Category Archives: Original Humor

The Circus – Unleashed

I thought the circus left town a long time ago, but as it turns out, they all just got leading jobs in our government!

-Doug Chandler (obviously a little bored at the moment)

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Humor – My Pet Rock – Unleashed

I had this pet rock once!

He didn’t really say much, actually, he didn’t say anything at all!

He never caused controversy or created hate!

He just quietly sat around learning through observation!

Even though he was kind of hard-headed, he never tried to Control other rocks!  He respected them as individual rocks, who likewise respected him for being respectful!

This field of rocks spent day after day in peaceful solitude, just doing what they do best!

So, the flat ones wait patiently for some kid to come along and skip them along the top of a lake, because skipping on water is much more fun than simply walking on it!

The rounder ones also wait patiently for some kid to come along and teach them how to fly, hopefully also into the water!

Obviously, all rocks are thrill-seekers just wanting to live it up at least once in their extremely long lives!

Their ultimate goal is to go out with a Big Splash and to all meet together again at the bottom of the lake where they can hang out with that funny little guy named Nemo, who’s spent his entire life searching for his father, not knowing that his mother was really a virgin!  I guess the jokes on him!  At least he is having fun though experiencing life!

Anyways, my pet rock loved to get rolled down hills and then he would always just play dead at the bottom!

Mr. President, you could learn a lot from my pet rock!

And quit trying to hide who you really are because on windy days people think you’re waving at them!

                -Rocky

Ps – Saturday Night Live:

Eat your heart out because I could wipe you guys out with originality in my sleep!

                -Doug Chandler

https://truth715870163.wordpress.com/

“If you can believe in yourself,

But focus on helping others,

Then you have the ability,

To change the world!” – Doug Chandler

Humor – Jesus The… – Unleashed

I was raised on Christianity and one of the humorous things I noticed, that was an indoctrination of the church, was how they portrayed Jesus in pictures!

For the timeframe in which Jesus lived he was very well groomed which if you transferred over to our timeframe, you would think he was some kind of salesman!

In pictures of him, made by the church, he ran around in super-clean white flowing robes, even though he was obviously homeless, for the most part, since he was always traveling around by foot inspiring people to become Honest with themselves so that they could each understand their own potential of becoming Great!

If he was traveling around by foot, he probably wasn’t staying at ‘The Days Inn’ each night, but was in fact sleeping in the dirt on most nights which would in fact make him extremely dirty!

But the church has presented an idea about him that is completely illogical!  This is the beginning of indoctrination on children themselves!

So, based on the pictures of Christ, I would guess that he was a ‘Bleach Salesman’!  LOL

https://truth715870163.wordpress.com/

“If you can believe in yourself,

But focus on helping others,

Then you have the ability,

To change the world!” – Doug Chandler

Humor – Dead Sea Scrolls Everywhere – Unleashed

A most curious Dead Sea scroll has just recently been found!

Apparently it had been written by someone who was hiding in a bush from Jesus and His disciples!

It seemed to be an argument of some sort and although much of it has been destroyed, this is what they were able to recover from it;

…and Jesus swung the fish around and slapped John with it while laughing joyously! John being the good man he was, turned the other cheek, only to get slapped even harder with a bigger fish!

In seeing this, Jesus wife Mary got enraged, took both fish from Jesus, And then leveled Him with a right upper cut, While the other disciples were roaring with laughter!…

The rest of the scroll was destroyed also!

The Jewish monastery has decided to keep this scroll hidden away until they can figure out what kind of fish was used in the fight!

-Doug Chandler

Humor – Another Dead Sea Scroll – Unleashed

-Another Dead Sea Scroll has just recently been discovered!

-Apparently it is another version of the parting of the Red Sea!

…So there I was just sitting peacefully on the beach, enjoying my favorite pastime, playing fetch with my pet crabs, when all of a sudden they all decided to hide, and I started thinking to myself, ‘well this could be a fun new game’, but alas, my thoughts were interrupted by a group of men that wandered down onto my beach!

Amazingly they had made it past my mine field and also my 10 ft. wall I had made to keep myself and the people, that I was led to believe were bad people, divided!

I immediately picked up the nearest turtle to throw at them, but to my surprise, these men weren’t hostile at all, but were in fact, far more friendly than myself.

They immediately came over and started introducing themselves to me!  Their names were Moses Guy, Prophecy Guy, Positivity Guy, etc. and Bob!  I introduced myself as Beach Guy!

They happily welcomed me into the ‘Guy’ family and then explained to me that they had come down here to go fishing, and since Bob refused to identify himself as part of their family, well… They were going to use him as bait!

Bob didn’t seem to have a problem with this and quickly produced something he called water wings!

Future Guy “Water wings are going to be created thousands of years from now for little kids that don’t know how to fukin swim!”

Bob jumped in the water with his water wings and started living up to his name.

Just as everyone is starting to get their ‘Fish-On’, Challenge Guy goes over to Moses Guy and slaps him in the face with a giant fish while exclaiming “I bet you can’t part this Sea so that we can all walk straight across to the other side!”

Moses Guy takes this challenge very personally!

So, Moses Guy raises his arms above his head, holding firmly in his grasp his New Harry Potter wand…

From somewhere in the crowd they hear Positive Guy Yell out “You can do it!

Question Guy, “Wait, who the fuk is Harry Potter?”

Future Guy, “It is a future mythical boy that does magic tricks!”

Prophecy Guy, “…And that boy carries a wand…”

Reality Guy, “Wait a minute, how can Prophecy Guy prophesize about a mythical person?  That doesn’t make sense!”

Prophecy Guy, “I was prophesizing about what Future Guy was about to say, so there!”

Constructive Guy, “I’m done!!!”

Question Guy, “Done with what?”

Constructive Guy, “I built a wagon while you guys were bickering over stupid sh!t  You can ask Prophecy Guy what it was built for and…”

Question Guy, “What the fuk are you doing with that fish??”

Virgin Guy, “Nothing..”

Common Sense Guy, “Hey, could someone please tag that fish so we don’t accidently eat it?”

Future Guy, “Tagging is something they are going to…”

Reality Guy, “Dude, would you please shut the fuk up while Moses is trying to concentrate?!!  Oh My God, you guys can be so….”

God, “Say my name, say my name…. Kind of a snappy little tune isn’t it?  So, what do you want?”

All turn in surprise to see God kicking back in a lawn chair, tanning, about 25 meters down the beach!

Clueless Guy, “Haha, you guys are all going to get it now for fukin swearing….. Oops!!”

God, “That only applied to the language it was written in goofball!  Maybe you should take the time to get a clue!”

Clueless Guy, “I get it, I get it!”

God, “Good, then I now imbue you with the Title ‘Not So’!”

Not So Clueless Guy, “Thanks!”

God, “You see, I don’t give a sh!t about swearing.  It’s just a way to emphasize meaning like an exclamation point, but a little more effective.  Tearing people down, on a regular basis, is a horrible way of using it though!”

Sarcastic Guy, “Ok God, I’ll try not to tear you down on a regular basis because I can see how sensitive you are!”

Everyone Starts roaring with laughter!!!

God, “OK, your all fukin idiots!”

Reality Guy, “And you made us in your image!”

The roar of laughter doubles!!!

God, “OK, that was a good one!  I’m glad I gave you guys a sense of humor!”

Observant Guy, “Hey look, Moses has finally parted the sea, and did you see that?  A mouse just walked up to him, bowed, and then walked right into one of the walls of water!  Now how weird was that?”

Prophecy Guy, “The mouse will be a character in a series of books…”

God, “OMG, you, Prophecy Guy, are going to drive us all crazy, look, you’ve even got me referring back to myself now!!”

God, “I’m going to do you all a favor and go into the future…”

Future Guy, “..And buy a roll of duct tape at Walmart!”

God, “OK, not you to.  I think I’ll get 2 rolls, one for each of you!  But before I go, I am going to tell you, in a prophecy, why I am doing this!”

God, “In 2019 a.d….”

Question Guy, “What’s a.d. mean?”

God, “Would you just please shut up for a minute?”

God, “OK, so as I was prophesizing, In 2019 a.d., I am going to inspire a man to write in this story, and because he will be a really lazy fukin writer, he is not going to want to waste his time writing in useless prophecies, from Prophecy Guy, because to him all of these things have already happened which makes it kind of redundant to write about past fulfilled prophecies.  So, I am going to do him a solid and head to Walmart, in the future, and bring back something to gag these 2 with!”

God, “Also, because of massive censorship practices on free speech in his timeframe, he has to misspell swearing to avoid being censored on wording alone, because if it is misspelled, then it is not technically the word that it may sound like.  This is just one workaround for bypassing ‘idiocracy’.”  (Good movie, by the way, created in 2006 that very accurately predicted the degradation of ‘life in America’ by allowing their own government to manipulate and control their thought processes) Author, “I hope we don’t become ‘Greater than we already are’ in this aspect of our lives!”

All of a sudden, they all hear “OK, everyone freeze now!” as Commercial Guy comes swaggering out of the crowd holding a big role of something.  He yells out, “Bounty, the quicker picker upper!”, and tosses it into the Sea!  It quickly soaks up the entire sea leaving a bunch of fish flopping around in mud.

Commercial Guy, “Umm, it wasn’t supposed to work that good guys!  Quick, help me squeeze it back out before all the fish drown in our air!”

Confused Guy looks at him, “Did you actually just say that?”

All of a sudden God comes wandering back looking a little perturbed…

Prophecy Guy pipes up, “Your credit card was denied, huh?”

Moses Guy, “Doh!”

Prophecy Guy, “I was going to prophesize that before you left but decided that it would be more prudent to let you learn your own lesson about paying your bills on time!”

God, “You know what, leave me alone, I’m going to go over there where it is 5 o’clock right now!”

Future Guy, “Bills: This is something in the distant future where people allow others to control them with personal debts!”

Control Guy, “OK, everyone hop in the wagon… Let’s go!

Reality Guy, “Ummm, what’s going to pull it?”

Control Guy, “OK, everyone out of the wagon and start pulling!”

Reality Guy, “Why didn’t we just make it on the other side?”

Question Guy, “Why didn’t we just walk around instead of going through all this mud?”

Idea Guy, “Hey Moses, this whole parting of the Sea is boring now….  Can you create a wave pool?

Surf Guy, “Whoooo-hooooo!”

—–

-Original Humor by Doug Chandler

https://truth715870163.wordpress.com/